Edit…
Well it was an edit, now it isnt, welcome back to myself, i’ve been meaning to write here, its still kind of unclusterfucked from the last four months. I have my bike exam (CBT) this Thursday so i hopefully wont be around this desk for too long anymore, going to get out more and do things, and stop my mind ticking over this. Come to conclusion i already knew is true, face facts that i lost, not big, i could have lost fucking huge.
Life is getting back to normality after three months of heart ache and pointless-ness. Managed to pull a passing grade out of my arse for a presentation put together in 4 days, im proud of that, now imagine what i could have done without distraction and horror. And after all this one must ask…with friends like this who needs enemies? Seriously i’ve never felt so down in all my life like this. Good music is a cure, and good friendships, not the flakes, the liars and cheats (“took advice from the wrong shoulder” to quote Audioslave). Street Kings tonight, after ive been to Reading with a mate for a chat and a beer… I’m doing something tomorrow, cant remember what, i think cinema again and then Sennybridge to punch a twat in the nose, if i still feel like it…Its going to be a good weekend… either way 😀
I had a post for this lined up, but atm i cant really see any good in putting it up, i feel fed up tho…
There comes a point when you realize how stupid things have become, merely through booze i discovered this, I stayed drunk most of yesterday to combat the hangover and spent most of the night with good ‘old’ friends chatting things through, having some intellectual conversation with an American anthropology student, who was going out with another old friend. Wish i could have sat through more of it, but i needed my smokes.
People are trying to set things in motion for me, its not as if im not grateful, but im not in a place were i can make that kind of choice. I have to see how other things ive started finish…I have to decide which part of feng shui i should follow in regards to sleeping…I have to fix some relationships as they are strained and not normal any more.
I have to ultimately do some uni work which i keep putting off. And i have to distance myself from some who i should never have really put faith in from the beginning, its always reassuring to be told by others that someone is weird and you aint wrong in doubting them.
Might go for a run tomorrow to clear my head…
^ see that above, thats how i feel, I have a decision to make that will mean I am damned if i do and damned if i dont, the largo phrase there would say i want to walk away, however everything else is saying its not in your nature to do so, you still care and although she may not care in the same capacity that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.
So this is true “Don’t you know that ill be around to guide you, through your weakest moments to leave them behind you…” That’s what i want to do…
First off let me retell the story, with no bias.
4 Story, i was working with one of the command staff watching the town from an NVG scope, my team were holding 4 story while i was upstairs watching enemy activity. I was ordered to escort the 3 IC back to Hq, which i did with a member of Shock, Shock was to relieve my guys, however during the course of me heading back to HQ and having some food which i had’nt had all freaking day Shock were diverted on new intel to go somewhere else. I left my 2 IC with radio and no one at HQ deemed it important to tell my guys, i had no idea, i tried contacting them to see how it was going on and nothing, because they hid the radio after been taken out. That’s how it happened, I had my orders, i got relieved i was not in charge of the Shock call and didnt hear it till later. No offence but not my fault, and so what if i’d have stayed, i dont think another person would have been able to hold on to 4 story. No offence it was a game, i had my orders which were deemed more important then my team….
No offence it was a year ago, that didnt effect the rest of my calls, i led from the front did that job, get over it. If anything the diaster lies on your shoulders, i left you in charge with the radio…if you were unable to think laterally and without new orders which you could have asked for from hq (ie confirmation and eta on reinforcements) then my only mistake was delegating something to you…
Oh yes, Auscam is coming home, AUG maybe on the way too, this week i have to get going with work or i will fall behind, a lot of stuff has been resolved (to an extent), Friday is going to be hard, but thank god for early day time comedy…i dont know what id do without my daily dose of Fraiser…especially since its kicking off from the Donnie era, and then Simon Moon will enter the scene if they continue running it…lolz
I got egged yesterday in a drive by, thats a first…kind of punctuated it all really, in a big sticky mess…I think this can of Strongbow on the desk is going to get the downing treatment.
Crashed and burned and ended in the deadly silence area, still dont know why someone so epic would choose to bloody listen to me rant on about shit, im confused…either way the reason i posted the first song is because i heard this and wondered wtf was the original
I loled, the number of epic tribute videos to the shite that is facebook is rather disturbing. Btw since everyone else is talking about the Iraq Puppy lobbing contest, i dont care really horrible at first, but the internet has already turned into a meme.
ITT: Any song that has recorder solo is already epic win…
I mean im not eating a lot of cheese atm, i did like one of climax scenes of my horror movie nightmare, ill write it down when i can be arsed. I’m watching the life aquatic again, finished episode 5 of the Kemp in Afghan, it was a very good show, and this time the bastard managed to manufacture some proper emotion of the loss of a families son. I’m looking forward to Saturday, airsoft again, smoke charges ahoy and hopefully my Marconi will show up as well as my brassard in the post. On the hunt for new music atm…
Morning, the update yesterday was a little wank, still I made some good points, and thinking last night i was starting to think what my friend Kat was saying was true, all those times in the past, i feel bad now for trying to persuade her otherwise about the guy and ‘help’ her, eventually we all end up in the same boat, well characters like me and her at least, people who wear their hearts on their sleeves http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=wearing+your+heart+on+your+sleeve
At least i can talk here about how its bugging me as no one reads this rag, but im just tired of life going round in circles, of course what happened on Saturday night doesnt usually happen to me, especially to be validated by someone you care about, that was so special to me, and however sad that might seem i will never forget that night, and as people remind me im not getting any younger, i can still see me make the right choices regardless of how long my youth holds out for, shame they dont count for zip. I’m not putting down my over emotional shit down to alchol, three pints doesnt equate to blind stupidty, and its a shame that the other person puts it down to do that and hides some of the truth (which is somewhat true to the extent of a lapse in Judgement that ‘Euphoric’ Alchol consumption brings) but what they want to say still comes out, uncensored.
But maybe i still have to grow up, i know what i’d have done now already in the past to avoid getting hurt, but am i getting hurt because ive made the choice to continue. Of course its effected conversation, i cant seem to hold that many thoughts in my head when the main overiding one is stairing me in the face, sleep..lots of nightmares at the moment, one real creepy horror one about Adolf Hitler visiting a house in Bavaria and being possessed by a Daemon that was stalking this families residence, it was a bit of a mix of when an inspector calls, the exorcist, the Exorcism of Emily Rose and that horrible puppet from Saw type thing. Basically the movie, as i now dub it would take place during his rise to fame in the NSDAP, during a tour of the state of Bavaria , Hitler and a small group of his early advisors would request shelter from a storm in a local town house, the residents are rather dubious of the guest and his timing as ‘un-natural events’ have been occuring around their property. As the guests are welcomed and begin to settle in one of the advisors hears wispering all around him, it starts off low and builds up to a monumental level, a voice shows begins to convince him that his life should be ended for the better, the Daemon then reveals him the future, the horror that his party and leader would inflict on the world, a test, as the morality of the advisor catches up, just as the walls turn to a small barbwired pen in the middle of nowhere with prison guards in Grey uniforms heckling him and geering him, with his mind breaking at other horrors being shown to him he reaches out to a freshly hung noose and hangs himself…
Anyway i have to go to uni…rofl
Constant Rantings, A Third Attempt At Sanity 